WINTERS. “There is a time to be silent…

…and a time to speak.” Ecclesiastes 3:7 Because of the incredible chapter of Ecclesiastes 3, I’ve known this time would come, yet didn’t know when or how I’d know when the time arrived. To my surprise, as I was digesting the fruits of my home life, “TODAY, NOW, SAY it in YOUR VOICE, Gods way.”

This is my testimony of Gods faithfulness to navigate me through every storm. I dedicate this work to Jesus, my ultimate companion in this life and to my husband, Hans, who has held my grief and healing alongside me.

To my 4 children…you may one day wonder “what was happening?” during these last 8 years and perhaps why I made some of the choices I did. I hope my vulnerability and honesty about my own life, and faith in God, gives you answers you may not yet know you need.

Furthermore, I pray this reaches those of you who KNOW this kind of story for yourselves, or love someone who does. Perhaps this is also for those in their own season of “to be silent” desperately seeking their own balance, understanding, healing, and peace. I see you, and hold a special love and compassion for you. I pray God greets us all together at His table one day soon.

WINTERS.

The last 8 years of my life has been a “time to be silent” season. A grueling one. In reflection, I can easily call these 8 years, THE WINTER season of my life. It’s been cold, dark, and isolating…quiet enough to hear the Lords whispers in the crackling frozen trees. A season of icicle tears and swollen tired eyes awakening to the frosty edges of nature, once again, kissed by Gods warm breath overnight. My winters sky has been uniquely hand painted in pastels at Sunrise and Sunset. The snowy days and blizzardly nights have gifted an abundance of QUIET. The “noisy birds” became muffled as I shoveled the driveway run over by an overflow of winters glitter. The fallen snow has reflected the moons glow beautifully, yet the deafening QUIET of those same nights often rang out silent chaotic cries within me. The desperately sought for peace eluded me, unless it melted on my rosey cheeks.

BUT, TODAY. Today, feels a bit like Spring, unexpectedly. Have the Winters of Old and my time of silence been laid to REST? Seems so…may THIS WINTER of my life now rest, in Gods perfect PEACE as I embrace my time to…SPEAK. None of this has been planned by me, that’s for certain! God keeps the times and seasons. Who am I to question His perfection.

You see…I’m way more “comfortable” in this “little boat” God provided for me. Safely placed, floating above the violence of Earth and avoiding the Deep of the Sea as He’s restoring me. He’s made it clear, some journeys require a season of isolation, so I surrendered my whole life for this place He’s brought me.

But, today I’ve found myself perched on the top of a mountain of my own life. Questioning, IF I should ever speak has come to a new centering today. One I can’t run from or place on my left or right. A place truly centered in Gods light and love for me ,a place of BEAUTY AND MERCY so personal I’d rather just keep it bottled inside instead of risk another misunderstanding.

I start with the intention here. Not mine, the Lords. You see, I’ve been studying, a lot, and boy oh boy have I learned much. Beacons of hope I intend to speak. But this day. THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE and I declare my JOY IN THE LORD ALONE. Many times in the Biblical days of old wars there would finally come THE VICTORY, a day The Shadow intended to thwart from existence eternally…BUT GOD WOULD CLAIM IT and then HIS PEOPLE would now set that day as permanent declaration of CELEBRATION for Gods mercy was bestowed and He rescued them from their enemies, tribulation, wars, iniquities. Freed in mighty ways that prove ONLY GOD could have done it THAT WAY.

So, please mark your calendars if you so choose…THIS DAY IS ONE OF VICTORY AND CELEBRATION FOREVERMORE from my life onwards and to my descendants. God won my battle within, He showed me how to suit up for the grueling battle. The days I didn’t buckle His Truth around my waist were felt and I was wounded. But, as my love says, “We Press On Regardless, POR BABES, POR!”

This speaking will be raw, true, washed in the blood of Jesus my Redeemer and Companion I truly never knew until THAT DAY. The one when noBODY died, only people I believed I knew - including the one who lived inside my own mind, body, soul…the one who strived.

THAT DAY took me by surprise in a way only trauma operates in. The sudden fear of facing the evil in the eyes of someone you love deeply, never having seen that darkness so clearly before that moment. It changes you, to your core. It causes you to question everything, everyone, and for me most of my questions were to God. Why this, why that, what’s your purpose in pain so deep and why why why won’t it relent? Wanting to learn not question Him or His intent, but all that questioning landed me right on my face. Grateful for that.

As I have fully given my life and past over to the Lord for His restoration I have found myself now changed from His faithfulness to my journey when I’ve done nothing but want to run from the shadows of my past.

So for the sake of the Glory of the Lord and a deep compassion for other survivors of complex trauma, I will begin my time to speak with the whispers of love and restorative justice we only hear when we receive Gods calm within the storms.